


That’s my heart

by DarkSun



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Castiel makes a short appearance, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, M/M, Past Ruby/Sam Winchester, Sam’s demon powers, Set in Season Four, Temporarily Unrequited Love, mostly POV Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-03-15 02:11:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13603377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkSun/pseuds/DarkSun
Summary: Dean is back from hell, but it’s complicated and both boys are hurting, both trying to deal with the last months.Sam realizes what he feels for his brother, but it may be too late. Did he even had a chance before everything literally went to hell?And can he fix this or is it just too late now.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Merenwen76](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merenwen76/gifts), [echoes_of_another_life](https://archiveofourown.org/users/echoes_of_another_life/gifts).



> I’m not a native speaker and this is unbeta’ed.  
> All mistakes are mine and I apologize.  
> The characters don’t belong to me, I just borrowed them for a little while. 
> 
> This story is inspired by the song “That’s my heart” from LINDEMANN.  
> Every time I listened to it, it reminded me somehow of Dean.  
> If you are interest in it, you can find it here: https://youtu.be/JaK4VOdE2PA
> 
> This work is gifted to merenwen76, because we are in this together. I love you. You’re the Sam to my Dean. ♥️
> 
> And to echoes_of_another_life, because I just wanted to give you something back. ♥️  
> You know how much I love your stories. And after the last time we spoke I just wanted to give you something that means something to me. (too many somethings here, I better go now. lol)
> 
> Thank you Kyna Winchester for the art! 

[](https://ibb.co/bvJDcz)

"That's My Heart

Your heart is a diamond  
Every soul wants to steal it  
From your fort your fort of skin  
You let nobody in

Your heart is a diamond  
A bleeding treasure  
Crushed together by grief and violence  
Tons of pain, big pressure

Your heart is a diamond  
So hard and cold  
So uncut and so silent  
In a breathing vault

That’s my heart  
Let me help it feel  
That’s my heart  
What they all want to steal

Your heart is a diamond  
Every man wants to steal it  
Deep inside your fort of skin  
You keep yourself concealed

Good hearts are so hard to find  
I will wait and stay  
A diamond ring will take its place  
Around my soul one day

That’s my heart  
Let me help it feel  
That’s my heart  
What they all want to steal

That’s my heart  
Let me work that mine  
That’s my heart  
Let me help make it shine

I lick your heart  
I taste the pain  
I kiss your skin  
It feels the same  
Your bitter lips  
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel  
Between your hips

That’s my heart  
Let me help it feel  
Let me in to guard  
What they all want to steal

That’s my heart  
Let me work that mine  
That’s my heart  
Let me help make it shine”

Song lyrics by “LINDEMANN”

 

 

**Chapter One:**

He sat there in silence, watching his brother from under his bangs, worrying his lower lip with his teeth.  
Dean was right next to him, he could touch him easily, but it felt like he was light years away from him.  
Sam sighed, which earned him a side glance from his brother “what’s eating you?” Dean asked.  
Sam shook his head “nothing, I’m just tired. That’s all.” he lied.  
Since Dean’s back from the pit and found out about him and Ruby, something between them was off. Was broken, actually.  
Sam felt it. Knew it. But what he didn’t know is why. Ok, that’s not quite right. He knows why. Ruby is a demon and that’s enough to put this distance between him and Dean. Dean who just spent forty years in hell. So yeah. He knew why. But he still didn’t know why it matters so much what Dean is thinking about that.  
Sam was lonely when Dean was gone. Heartbroken and so fucking alone that he barely made it out of bed some days. He needed some one to feel alive. To not feel so alone anymore. And Ruby...well, she was there, ok? That’s it. He didn’t love her or something. She was just a warm body next to him, reminding him that he was still alive. And Dean was not.  
That was the problem. Being with her felt good for a short while, but than he remembered everything he had lost as Dean died. And so he stopped this thing with Ruby. Immediately.  
And he told Dean that. He told him, that he slept with her, yes, but only once or maybe twice.  
Dean had listened, silently, had watched him with an unreadable expression on his face, his eyes guarded, all walls up. Than he had nodded sharply, stood up and was out of their shared room, only to come back drunk a few ours later.  
He never mentioned it, never said one single word about it, never seemed to even think about it.  
But still... Sam felt that something between them broke that night.  
And it was eating Sam alive. He wanted to talk to Dean, wanted to explain himself, over and over again. He wanted...what. What was it that he wanted so bad from Dean? He knew. Deep down he knew, but was too afraid to even admit that to himself.  
He sighed again, staring out of the window.  
“Ok, spill. Or stop this unnerving sighing!” Dean finally snapped.  
Sam startled and looked at his brother, who’s gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles were white.  
“I... I don’t know what to say, Dean. I know that you’re mad at me and i want to fix it, but... i don’t know how.” Sam’s voice was smaller than he hoped and he felt suddenly so young and vulnerable next to his big brother.  
Dean’s staring out of the front window, not answering. After a while Sam turned back to his window, hiding his eyes under his bangs again so that Dean couldn’t see the tears blinking in them. “Okay,” he whispered, “you don’t want me to fix that. I get it.”  
They drove in silence for the rest of the evening.  
As they arrived at their motel late that night, Dean said “you get our bags, I go get us a room” and was out of the car the next moment.  
A few minutes later he came back and tossed a key at Sam. “There. See you at eight to go all FBI on our suspects. Night.”  
He grabbed his duffel out of Sam’s numb fingers and disappeared in his own room, leaving Sam alone in the dark.  
Sam stood frozen to the spot where Dean had left him, staring at the now closed door to Dean’s room. DEAN’S room.  
What was that!? What the fuck just happened here!?  
This was the first time ever that Dean had gotten them two rooms. That he didn’t want Sam in the same room with him.  
And it hurt. It hurt more than Sam ever thought it would.  
Slowly gathering his things he opened his own room and closed the door behind him.  
He stared into the dark room, all alone again.  
He felt so sad, abandoned and heartbroken, he didn’t realize at first that he was crying.  
He stripped and climbed in his bed.  
And here, in this dark and cold room in some random motel near the highway of some random town somewhere in Nebraska, Sam finally admitted to himself why it matters so much to him what Dean is thinking.  
Sam loves him. Not in as “little Sammy loves his big brother Dean”, but in as “Sam is IN LOVE with his big brother Dean”.  
It’s a revelation, it hurt and his heart broke over and over again, he’s aching for his brother in the next room and he has no idea how he will ever be able to fix what he has destroyed when he had slept with Ruby.  
Sam cried himself to sleep that night.

Dean lay wide awake in the next room, listened to the muffled sobs of Sam trying to hide his crying in his pillow but failing miserably.  
When there’s finally nothing but deafening silence coming from Sam’s room, Dean tried to sleep. And tried. And tried. After an hour of throwing himself from one side to the other he gave up.  
He climbed out of bed and sneaked in Sam’s room. He moved silently to Sam’s bed and stood there for a while, watching his brother’s sleeping face. Sam’s cheeks were wet from tears and his features looked strained even in his sleep.  
Suddenly he jolted and sat up, staring wide eyed at Dean.  
“Dean? Everything ok? Why are you here?” Sam whispered.  
“I don’t know...” Dean wiped his hand over his face, he felt tired to the bones. “I don’t know, Sam. I heard you crying and...” he sat down in a chair and rubbed his eyes with both hands.  
Sam didn’t dare to make a move, let alone to say a word. He just sat there and watched Dean carefully.  
After a few moments of silence Dean said “Sam, what you’ve done...with Ruby... I get it, ok? I get that you needed someone. I was dead and you couldn’t save me. Believe me, I know how you must have felt. But...a demon, Sam? Why for gods sake a demon! That’s...that’s disgusting and...I don’t know. Hell, Sam, I honestly don’t know what I’m doing here. I’m sorry. I leave you alone.”  
Dean rose to his feet and was on his way to the door, as Sam jumped out of bed and grabbed his wrist. “Dean, don’t! Please. Please don’t go.” Sam begged. And he didn’t care that he did.  
Dean watched Sam’s fingers and than looked him in the eyes. They stood there for a few moments before Sam slowly released Dean’s wrist. “I’m sorry. I... I just... I can’t stand this silence between us anymore. I miss you. It’s like...it’s like you are still gone.” he whispered the last words too afraid to speak them out loud, too afraid to look at Dean.  
“Sam...” Dean began, but lost his voice, he coughed and tried again, “Sam, you can’t fix this, ok? It’s not broken. But I... I need some time. This whole thing...it’s messing with my head and I... I can’t right now. Ok? Just... just gimme time.”  
He cupped Sam’s cheek carefully with one hand, his touch barely there to feel, but it’s a small win for Sam. Dean has touched him, because he wanted to. That’s more than Sam’s gotten the last few weeks.  
So he nodded “yeah. Yeah, ok. Just...just don’t shut me out like I’m invisible. Ok? I...please, Dean?” he knew he sounded scared and his tone was begging, but he still didn’t care.  
Dean nodded, once. “Ok, Sam. I’ll try. Good night.”  
And than again Sam was alone. Alone in the dark, but a little seed of hope blossoming in his heart. Dean said, it’s not broken. THEY are not broken.  
He just has to believe that. He has to.

-tbc-


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam thought it got better.  
> But then everything came tumbling down.

**Chapter two:**

The following days were better, less tense.  
But Dean still kept his distance.  
He reluctantly shared a room with Sam again, but it’s obvious that he would prefer it to be on his own.  
Sam’s heart clenched every time he looked at Dean and saw the void in his eyes.  
He wanted to be close to him again. To be the little brother Dean once adored.  
But it seemed that these days were gone. And there’s nothing he can do about it.

Then there’s this angel, who seemed to be always present.  
At first Sam was excited to meet an actual angel. And this specific one saved his brother from hell, so he was Sam’s hero. Kinda.  
But Castiel, that’s his name, made it very clear, what he’s thinking of Sam.  
He flat out called him an abomination once. Told him that he knew what Sam did. And how disgusting and just wrong it was.  
Sam tried to explain to him, but Castiel wasn’t having any of it.  
He said, if Sam wasn’t stopping, he would tell Dean all about it.  
And Sam can’t let that happen.  
He knew how Dean would react. So no. That’s definitely not going to happen.

But day after day he has to watch Dean interact with Castiel in a way that was unsettling and hurting him.  
Dean smiled and sometimes laughed at Cas. Something he never did with Sam anymore.  
Oh and yes, he gave the angel a nickname too. Which hurt Sam more than anything.  
Not because of the nickname per se, but because Dean stopped calling Sam by HIS.  
Since he knew about Ruby it’s “Sam”.  
Always Sam. Never, not once, he called him “Sammy”.  
And it’s not until then that Sam realized how much he secretly loved it, when Dean called him that. It was always a sign of Dean’s adoration for him. His affection. His love.  
But now...nothing.  
It made Sam’s heart ache and he felt more alone than in the months after Dean’s death.

So it was no wonder that he turned to Ruby again.  
She was the only one who was there for him, when Dean was gone.  
And she’s there for him now.  
Sam sneaked out of the motel at night to go see her.  
At first they met at some random diners.  
Sitting in a bench together, Sam just talking while she was eating her beloved fries.  
But soon it wasn’t enough to just sit and talk. Sam needed more.  
He needed the contact with someone who at least FELT human. And he needed her blood.  
Yes, he started drinking demon blood, because his psychic powers thus had enormously strengthened.  
That’s the thing Dean is never allowed to find out.  
Sam knew he played a dangerous game, but with Ruby, drinking her blood, he at least felt good. And not so alone anymore.

But when did it ever go well for him? For them?  
He should’ve seen it coming.

It was one of these days that were the worst.  
He tried to bond with Dean. Again. And Dean rejected him. Again.  
Sam tried a second time later this evening, he bought Dean’s favorite burgers, cheese and bacon, lots of extra bacon, beer and...pie. Of course.  
He waited for Dean to leave the bathroom, hopeful and with a smile plastered on his face.  
As Dean came out the door, a towel in his hand, rubbing his hair dry, he said: “I bought us dinner. They have this awesome burger grill here and they make great bacon ‘n cheese burgers! Oh, and look! They had pie! Homemade, and I thought...”  
“Sam.” Dean interrupted.  
Sam shut his mouth and looked at his brother, still the hopeful glance in his eyes.  
Dean sighed. “Sam, I’m not hungry. And I’m meeting Cas in a few. We want to track a demon who might have a clue where Lilith is...”  
“Oh. Ok, I’ll get my jacket and...”  
“No, Sam. I’m going. Alone.” And with this Dean turned his back and threw the towel on his bed, grabbing his leather jacket and shrugged it on.  
Sam’s heart sank. “You...you don’t want me to come with you? I...ok, I...I’ll wait here then. I think we can reheat the food later and...”  
“Yeah, whatever, Sam.” and Dean was out of the door in a blink. Leaving Sam behind with all of Dean’s favorite food.

Sam stood there for god knows how long. Staring at the closed door, heart shredded to pieces. Again.  
It seemed to be normal these days that every night he ended up with a bleeding, aching heart.  
And what’s enough is enough.  
Sam grabbed his phone and called her.  
“Ruby? Yeah, I want to see you. Where? No, I need a ride. Dean’s out and he took the car.  
Ok. See ya in a few.”  
He shoved the phone in his jeans pocket and grabbed his jacket.  
15 minutes later he slid in the passenger seat of Ruby’s stolen car.  
“So, what are the plans for tonight, hotshot. Dinner and talking again?” she grins at him.  
“No. I’m done with the talking. Let’s go to your room, I need to drink. And than let us find a demon, who maybe knows where that bitch is hiding herself from us.”  
She glared at him a few moments, than nodded “alright. Your wish is my command.”  
Sam snorted at that.

After he fed on her he felt so powerful. So good. And he knew the demon in front of him, tied to a chair in this old abandoned barn knew too, he didn’t stand a chance.  
The black eyed guy swore he didn’t know where Lilith was, so Sam smirked at him “if you don’t have answers for me, I don’t need you anymore. I think you should go on a looong vacation. Southwards.” Sam points his head to the ground.  
“No! Please! I swear, I don’t know where she is! Please!”  
But Sam stretched out his arm, opened his hand and slowly began to close it again. With every small movement of his fingers black smoke came out of the mouth of the screaming demon in front of him.  
And the moment Sam’s Hand was closed to a fist, the black smoke disappeared in the ground beneath the feet of the now unconscious guy on the chair.  
Sam was breathing hard, sweat pooled on his forehead and he was trembling all over. But he smiled wild and turned to Ruby “You saw that!? I’m getting better at this! He’s still alive! God, I’m....hmmmph...”  
while he was rambling Ruby jumped him and kissed him. Hard and dirty. And Sam was so startled, that he grabbed her hips and hold onto for a second.  
It was a second to long.

The door to the barn burst open, shocking Sam out of his daze.  
He looked over and went absolutely ice-cold, his heart dropping, when he saw Dean standing there, lips in a harsh, cold line and a face like thunder.  
"This is over," Dean announced. He jerked his head at Sam without meeting his eyes. "Out. Now.“  
Sam shoved Ruby away then crossed the room and edged around Dean, careful not to touch him. “Bye Ruby” he mumbled and went outside.  
Dean followed the same second. Sam tried to explain himself “Dean, it was not... I wasn’t...it...”  
“Shut up and get in the car. Now.” his voice even.  
Sam shut his mouth and slid in the car. He was scared. He never has seen Dean like this before. So completely devoid of emotions or expressions. All his walls were up and he was locked up tight. Nothing got out.  
This lack of emotion scared the shit out of Sam. He had no idea what he should do now.  
So he sat there in silence waiting for Dean to explode. But Dean didn’t say a word. He just drove them to their motel and got out of the car.  
Sam followed him into their room and watched Dean packing his clothes in his duffel.  
“Are we leaving?”  
No answer. After a few minutes Sam asked again “Dean?”  
Finally Dean turned around, his now packed duffel bag in his hand.  
“No Sam. Not we. I am.”  
He placed the keys to the impala on the table “you keep her. Cas can zip us to where we need to be. Take care of her.”  
Sam jumped in his way and grabbed him by his shoulders “Dean! You can’t go! Please! You can’t leave me! I’m sorry, Dean. I really am. I do whatever you want me to, but please. Please don’t leave me.” Sam sobbed, his tall frame shaking.  
Dean stepped out of his hold and shook his head “you do, whatever I want you to? I asked you that once, Sam. But you didn’t do what I asked you for.”  
A bitter smile flickered over his face. “I went to hell for you, Sam. I sold my soul, I died and went to hell. For you. And all I asked was to not use your powers. To remember what I taught you. And look how that turned out.” Dean shook his head again. “I’m sorry, I can no longer be with you. Take care, Sam. And good luck. You will need it if you keep that up.”  
With that he left, not once looking back.  
Castiel waited in the parking lot, and as Dean arrived, he touched his forehead and they were gone.  
Sam stood in the still open door, staring blinded by tears in to the now empty parking lot and slowly sank to his knees.  
“Dean!” he screamed in to the darkness. “DEAN!”  
But he got no answer. There’s nothing but dark silence.

-tbc-


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is devastated, but still he refuses to give up. He has to talk to Dean.  
> But he can’t do that without a little help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry that you had to wait for so long.  
> My granny died in February and I needed a while to find my muse again after that.  
> I hope you’re still with me. 
> 
> Thank you for being an awesome beta, jessies_girl! 
> 
> This is still fiction and for fun.

**Chapter three:**

 

 

The days after Dean had left him were a blur. He got drunk and passed out then every night.

His heart was shattered to pieces and never in his whole life he felt so broken, so damaged, so _wrong_.  
He missed Dean with every fiber of his body, the broken pieces of his heart aching for the love of his life.  
Yes. He admitted that to himself, but to realize that he not just loved Dean, that Dean simply was everything… that hurt deeper than he thought it could.  
Dean was, no, _is_ the love of his life.  
And he had lost him, before he got a chance to make things right between them.  
But even if Dean had stayed - what would Sam have said to him? ‘I love you, Dean?’ ‘You are my everything, Dean?’  
No. Definitely not any of this. Because Dean would’ve punched him in the face. Right away.  
And maybe he would be disgusted with Sam even more if he’d found out.  
So yeah, Sam drank. Heavily.  
After nearly a week Ruby had enough and forced him back to business.  
She helped him to get sober, to clear his head.  
Sam wished she didn’t.  
Because now it was even worse. Now he could feel the heartbreak without being in an alcohol daze. Without the fog in his brain.  
And he ached just more. Sharper. Deeper.  
The loss was almost unbearable. Almost.  
A little part of Sam refused to give up. Refused to let go.  
So he pulled himself together and started to plan how he could win his brother back.

The following weeks Sam tried to stay clean from demon blood. He thanked Ruby for everything, but told her to go.  
She got angry, she screamed, she bitched, she insulted him, called him names.  
But Sam, as stoic as he always was, stayed true to his word. He stayed clean and turned away from Ruby.  
He started to hunt again on his own, sometimes he called Bobby for backup and everytime he hoped to get a little information about Dean.  
At first Bobby was suspicious, he knew something bad must have happened. Dean would never, not ever, leave his little brother alone. But he didn’t ask and Sam really appreciated that.  
After a while Sam shared a little here a little there about what happened. And Bobby...well. To say he was shocked would be an understatement, but Bobby breathed deep through his nose, took three long gulps from his flask and said: “Son, you know how Dean is. Once he gets his head out of his ass, he’ll come looking for you. He loves you.”  
Sam sighed. “I’m not so sure about that, Bobby. He was very clear on this topic.”  
“Sam. Look at me.” Bobby’s voice was calm and his face open, when Sam lifted his eyes to meet his gaze. “Dean went to hell for you. Like literally. I was there when you died. I saw his grief. And believe me, he does love you. With everything he has. But he’s disappointed in what you did with your second chance. And you have to understand that. I don’t know what happened in hell with that boy, but he came back different. Don’t you see that, Sam? He’s hurting. As much as you are, but he needs a little time. So get your shit together, stop whining and be someone he can come back to. Can you do that, Sam? For Dean?”  
Sam swore he could.

And here was he now, another six weeks later and eleven weeks and four days since he saw Dean for the last time.  
He missed him like crazy, but he had worked his ass off to stay clean, to not use his powers, to just be Dean‘s “Sammy” again.  
Now he thought it was time for a little prayer.  
“Castiel, this is Sam. I pray to you. Please. I need you to come see me. I… it’s… it is really important. To me. It is important to me. Please. Please come see me. Amen.”  
And he waited. And waited. And waited. But nothing. No Castiel came to see him or at least let him know that his prayer was heard.  
He tried for a second time. And a third. But the whole night he got no answer.  
When he finally gave up, tired and exhausted and close to tears, it was already dawning.  
He went into the bathroom and splashed some cold water in his face, rubbed his eyes and grabbed for a towel.  
Drying off his face suddenly a voice behind him said “Hello Sam. I heard your prayer.”  
Startled he turned around, only to find Castiel standing just outside the small bathroom, his face completely calm and without expression.  
“Cas. I mean… Castiel. Thank you for coming.” He fumbled with the towel, feeling suddenly nervous.  
Cas just stood there, watching him expectantly.  
Sam edged around him to get out of the bathroom and walked over to the small table. He grabbed a chair and gestured to it. “Please, have a seat? I need to talk to you.”  
Cas watched him for a moment, than he sat down, looking Sam directly in the eyes.  
Sam breathed deeply in and out. Then he said “I need you to do me a favor. I need to talk to Dean. And I know he wouldn’t answer my phone call, so… could you bring me to him? Please, Castiel. I’m desperate. I need him. And I would do everything to get him back. Please. Will you help me?”  
Castiel’s face still was calm as he answered “Sam, there was a reason for Dean leaving you. Is this reason still valid?”  
“No. I’m clean. And I didn’t use my powers since he left. I abandoned Ruby and I’m hunting again. Old school. I swear, Cas. I did all he asked for. I... I just need to talk to him. To explain what happened, why I did what I did. I need him to understand. And I need him to see, that I would do everything, absolutely everything, to get him back. Please. Please help me.”

Castiel was silent for a while. Than he nodded “I will help you, Sam Winchester. But I can’t promise you that he will be happy to see you. Or that he will talk to you. He’s hurt. I think you broke his heart. And from what I’ve experienced with your fragile human hearts...it won’t heal that easily.”  
Sam’s eyes filled with tears “I know. I know, that I hurt him. And if I really broke his heart, I’m the only one who can put it back together, right? I’ll take a chance, Cas. That’s all I have.”  
They stood up and Cas reached out to touch his forehead.

A second later Sam blinked, feeling a little dizzy, and looked around.  
He’s standing in an old farm house, it looked abandoned, a chair is placed in the middle of a demon trap, but it’s empty.  
Someone is rustling in the back and just as Sam turned around to see who that is, Dean came into his sight.  
Sam stood absolutely still, just looked at him, his heart swelling with so much love for this man in front of him, and whom he didn’t saw for almost three months.  
He missed him so much.  
Dean stopped and stared back. His eyes went wide, but his face closed off and he looked at him with a totally blank expression.  
“Sam”. His voice sounded deep, rough. Tired. And resigned.  
“What are you doing here. I thought I made myself clear.”  
“You did, Dean. But I’m here to talk. I... please. Will you listen to me? Just for five minutes? I... I miss you so much. And I swear, if I can’t convince you that I’ve changed, I will go and leave you alone. But please, just...just listen. Ok?”  
And suddenly there were so many different expressions on Dean’s face...hurt, disappointment, hope, resignation, loss, and something in his eyes that Sam can’t place. It’s barely there and before Sam really can grasp it, it’s gone. Dean’s face is void of emotions again.  
“Shoot.” that’s all he said. But it’s the chance Sam was hoping for. He breathed deep through his nose and nodded.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam finally tells Dean the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta’ed.  
> Still fiction. Still just for fun.

**Chapter four:**

 

“First- I got rid of Ruby. I swear, i didn’t see her for months now.” Sam watched Dean carefully, but nothing on his face gave away what he’s thinking.  
Sam sighed: “You we’re gone, Dean. Dead. Ripped to pieces by a hellhound. And nothing had prepared me for the pain of losing you. I tried everything I could to get you back. But nothing worked. And one day Ruby showed up. She was just...there. I needed someone, Dean. I was lonely and desperate. I couldn’t let you go. I just couldn’t.”  
Tears were falling from Sam’s eyes and he rubbed them away embarrassed that he couldn’t control his feelings while Dean’s face still was blank and void of emotions.  
“And she offered me her company, she helped me to find a way to hunt on my own again. I know, you didn’t want me to use my powers. But...I don’t know. It was easier, I guess. And I thought I could use them to do something good. I swear, that was my intention, Dean. To find a way to get you back and do something good. But I wasn’t powerful enough. And it was so damn frustrating. So that’s when Ruby offered me something else.”  
Sam looked at Dean and took a step closer: “I need you to listen now, Dean. Please listen till the end and please...don’t hate me.”  
Dean furrowed his brows and with a concerned expression he asked: “What have you done, Sam.”  
Sam breathed in deeply and replied: “I drank her blood.”  
“You...what!?” Dean finally showed emotions, he looked shocked.  
Sam lowered his face and whispered: “I drank her blood. It made me strong and so powerful, Dean. I got addicted from the very first time. The things I could do now! It gave me hope that I could get you back. So I didn’t think of what I had done, I didn’t want to think about it closely. I just drank it and did what I had to do to get you back.  
Well, at least that was what I told myself when I was laying in bed at night, sleepless, because I missed you so damn much. I missed you and I didn’t want to live without you. I couldn’t. I was desperate. And with the demon blood in me I felt strong enough to get you back. I needed you back, Dean. I just needed you back.”  
“Sam... I...” Dean wiped his hand over his now pale face and turned his back to Sam, searching for something to hold on to, because he felt like the floor under his feet was shifting.  
As he found nothing, he faced his little brother again, who looked scared and small and so lost, Dean couldn’t stand it anymore.  
He closed the distance between them with a few steps and pulled Sam into his arms, hugging him so hard that Sam couldn’t breathe properly.  
But Sam didn’t care. He just held on to Dean, who was finally there, who was really touching him, holding him. Sam sobbed loud and buried his face in Deans neck.  
He cried until he had no more tears left and Dean let him. He just held him.  
After a while Dean released his death grip on Sam and took a step back. “I’m sorry, Sam. I had no idea that it would be so hard for you. But... why didn’t you stop seeing her, when I was back. Why did you still use your powers. And did you...did you still drink her blood?”  
Dean looked like he might throw up any moment, but Sam knew he had to come clean, it’s now or never.  
He nodded: “Yes. I did. I drank her blood till the moment you left me. And why I was still seeing her? Dean, you were back, yes. But you avoided me after I told you that I slept with her. You were sitting next to me in the car, but it felt like you were still gone. It was even worse, because now it was like you hated me for what I did. And it was to much, Dean. I had no more energy left to fight again, to get you back AGAIN. And she was still there. She gave me the feeling that she wanted me. I knew it wasn’t love. But I could pretend that at least someone cared for me, loved me. She wasn’t the one I wanted, but she was the only one available.”  
Dean looked confused: “What do you mean, she wasn’t the one who you wanted. And that no one cared for you or loved you. I did. I cared so much for you, loved you so much, that I couldn’t let you die! I went to hell for you. Because I loved you! And now you stay here and say I didn’t love you enough!? Fuck you, Sam!”  
With that, Dean turned and left a stunned Sam behind in the barn as he stormed out.

After a moment of shock about Dean’s outburst Sam ran after him.  
He found him outside, bent over, his hands on his knees, trying to get his breathing under control.  
Sam walked up to him and laid his hand carefully on his back.  
Dean flinched and got up. He shook his head telling Sam a silent ‘no’ as Sam reached out to touch him again.  
Sam nodded sadly and said: “ I know that you loved me, Dean. But yes, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t what I wanted.”  
“Are you listening to yourself, Sam? Because you don’t make sense! Tell me, how was going to hell for you NOT ENOUGH? How was that not loving you ENOUGH!? Tell me, Sam, because I honestly don’t know what the fuck you want!”  
Dean was yelling at him and to Sam’s shock he had tears in his eyes.  
“I’m so sorry, Dean. I knew you loved me, I really do. But you loved me as a brother. Not as a lover.” Sam whispered.  
Dean stared at him wide eyed. “What? As a... what?”  
Sam smiled a sad smile: “I love you, Dean. I love you for as long as I can remember. You were my everything. You ARE my everything. I couldn’t admit it to myself not until you were back. But then... it hit me. I don’t only love you as a brother. I am in love with you. I always was. And that you love me as a brother should do...it’s not enough. I want it to be so much more than brotherly love. I’m sorry, so sorry. I... I just hope that you won’t hate me now.”  
Sam was crying, the tears were streaming freely from his eyes.

Dean still stared at him, his eyes wide, his beautiful lips formed into a perfect o.  
Suddenly he shuddered and shook his head in confusion.  
“I... I had no idea, Sam. I...” he trailed off and looked to the ground.  
Sam sniffed and answered: “I know. It’s a shock, right? Your little brother is a freak. Not that you didn’t know that already. But I’m more of a freak now then I was before. I guess you want me gone. I understand that. I... I’m sorry. I... hope you can forgive me someday, Dean.”  
Sam turned to walk away, to go and find Castiel to bring him back to his motel as Dean’s voice stopped him.  
“Don’t you dare walk away from me now! You threw that in my face and think you can leave right after? Fuck, Sam! Give me time to process that! At least give me five minutes to get some air!”  
Sam looked at Dean. He stood there, breathing heavily, pale and confused, but so beautiful it hurts. Sam sighed and shrugged: “I love you. That won’t change after you got some air. And I couldn’t stand it if you’ll look disgusted at me. So maybe it’s better this way. Me gone and you with Castiel.”  
“I don’t want you gone, Sammy.”  
Sam’s eyes widened. There. Dean said his nickname again for the very first time in a very long time. And his tone was soft, just like it was...before. Before he and everything else with him went to hell.  
“You sure?”Sam whispered.  
“I am”. Dean said steady and with a clear voice. “I don’t want you gone. We’ll figure it out, Sammy. That’s what we do.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally talk.  
> Dean knows now how Sam feels for him.  
> But can he deal with it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be the last chapter.  
> But my dear Merenwen76 has a rough time at the moment, so I just wanted to give her something to enjoy AND something to look forward to.  
> So I decided to split the last chapter and here’s the first part or just chapter five.  
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Still not beta’ed. And I was awfully tired when I wrote this. So, I apologize for mistakes if there are any.  
> I’m sorry. 
> 
> This is still for fun, I don’t own the boys, just this little story.

**Chapter five:**

The next thing he knew was that they got Dean’s car and Sam’s personal belongings.  
Sam couldn’t believe it. Was he really going to be with Dean again? He didn’t kick him out? Didn’t abandoned him?  
No. Obviously not, since he was in the same room with his brother, heard him ruffling through his duffel bag and cursing that he couldn’t find his favorite shirt.  
Sam stood up, walked over to his own bag und grabbed the desired shirt. He handed it to Dean wordless.  
Dean stared at him, at the shirt and finally asked: “You had it? But...why?”  
Sam shrugged: “It’s your favorite shirt. And it smelled like you.”  
Dean looked at him but didn’t respond, took his shirt and went into the bathroom.  
After he showered and changed, he came back and sat on his bed. He looked nervous and uncomfortable.  
Sam got it. He did.  
Sad and more than a little bit heartbroken he nodded to himself and said to Dean: “Look, you don’t have to do this. To share a room with me. I get it. It’s ok, if you want to have me out. I’ll go and ask for another room, ok?”  
“No, Sam. That’s not... I don’t want you out. And hell, I’m definitely not nervous or shit, because of you sharing a room with me! It’s just... we need to talk. And I’m not good at such things, ok?”  
He threw his hands in the air and started to pace the room from one end to the other.  
Sam sat there in silence, watching Dean and waiting for whatever was to come.  
Suddenly Dean stopped in front of him, looked him in the eye and said: “I’m sorry, Sam. I really am. I have to admit, it never crossed my mind that my death could destroy you. I just thought you would...move on. Live your life.” he looked helpless now, sad, heartbroken.  
“That was the reason why I did what I did. I wanted you to be alive and happy. Going back to college and find a nice girl, have some kids, a white picket fence, a dog...your apple pie life. I just wanted you out of hunting and happy, Sam.  
I never thought...I really never thought that you couldn’t be happy without ME.  
Look...I’m not like you, Sam. I’m messed up. I always was. But I tried to give you a childhood i never had. I tried so hard. I let you go, when you wanted to go to Stanford. I watched you from afar, and you were happy! You were so damn happy.” The last words came out whispered. 

“Dean...yes, I was happy. I was out. I was in college. Had friends. Even a girlfriend. But I wasn’t WHOLE. I’m only whole when I’m with YOU. You are my other half. My big brother. My best friend. My first love. My only love. My everything. Why can’t you see that?” Sam’s tone was begging.  
Dean sighed and sat down heavily. “Sam, I think I messed you up. The way we used to live...in each other’s pocket all the time... it was to close. It’s not love, Sam. It’s dependency.  
I was all you ever had. Of course you think you love me in more than brotherly ways. But it’s just...me messing you up. And I’m so sorry.”  
Dean wiped his hand over his face, tired, burned out, drained of all the energy.  
“Did you really believe that, Dean?” Sam sounded calmer than he felt.  
“Because that’s bullshit. Are you messed up? Yes. Did you messed ME up? No. Definitely not. You were the only one who ever cared, Dean. You gave everything up just to give me a little more time to be a kid. I owe you everything. I’m not messed up because of you.  
I just... I’m the freak, Dean. I am. Not you.  
I could sit here all night and tell you a thousand things why I’m in love with you. But all of that doesn’t matter if you are not willing to believe what i am saying.”  
Sam stood up and walked over to Dean.  
He knelt in front of him and grabbed Dean’s hands in which he buried his face.  
“Dean... why are you so upset. Is it..is it really that horrible that I love you? I still can leave. I...”  
“Sam.” Dean interrupted his rambling.  
“The horrible thing is, that this...” he gestured between him and Sam “this is not you. It’s all me. I made you feel this way, because that’s what I wanted.  
I wanted you always for myself.  
I wanted the little toddler making his first steps towards ME.  
I wanted MY name to be you first word. I wanted to be the center of your universe, because...because you were mine. You were always the center of MY universe, Sam.  
And the things I wanted... I wanted too much, Sammy. Way too much.”  
He wrestled his hands free and edged around Sam to stand up. He started that unnerving pacing than again.  
“What was it, what you wanted?” Sam quietly asked.  
“You.” the whispered word hang between them in the room, a deafening silence around them.  
Sam opened his mouth and closed it again. He wanted to scream, to cry, to yell...Dean wanted him!? All his dreams came true. Right? But why did Dean looks so scared, so guilty?  
After an eternity of silence and boiling emotions Sam answered: “And I want you. I wanted you always. Please, believe me.  
I. Want. You.  
I love you. Dean, please. Please believe me. I’m begging you.” Sam put all his heart in his words and hoped Dean would hear it, would see right through him and would believe him.  
When Dean looked up, his face was calm. His eyes were shining, bright emerald green orbs were looking at Sam, swallowing him in.  
And all Dean answered was: “Ok.”


End file.
